A year without alcohol. And oh what a year it has been. In terms of mental health and wellbeing it has been an all time high and new rock bottom. But that’s where change and growth happens.

One year and a day without being drunk, hungover, or ashamed of how much I spent on a night of drinking. No alcohol to try and blame my actions on. No regrettable choices or drunken texts to my ex. Taking back that control, taking total responsibility for my actions, has become very empowering.

I’ve become stronger, braver, and seen who my real friends are. I used to rely heavily on alcohol as the social lube to make me more confident, present, happy, and funny. I thought I was a better person when I had a drink or two in me.

But oh, what a grand illusion it was.

The first week was tough. There were parties and social events that teased me with free drinks and bottles of bubbles. I was a bartender at a music venue and a brewery. Alcohol was my livelihood. And I had to turn my back on it. I got through the first month with chip on my shoulder and some serious FOMO.

Surprisingly, I didn’t notice any major changes in my body that first month. I had quit drinking for a few weeks in the recent past to try and combat psoriasis, so a month without alcohol wasn’t a big deal. Still hard, most definitely. My cravings for a beer or glass of wine were consistent. And that freaked me out. It had become habit. I never considered myself an alcoholic, but it runs in both sides of my family and this break sat me face to face with reality.

Month two is when I really started to notice the changes in my body. I had lost probably 5 or 6 pounds by this point. (I quit drinking, started keto and a new workout plan all in the same week). On top of losing weight, I felt cleaner. My body didn’t have to fight a constant intake of toxins and ethanol. I was running on clean energy. My head felt clearer, my memory improved. My social skills were still in that awkward place, like walking into a party and everyone is waaay more drunk than you and it just feels weird. That was me. I felt isolated when I couldn’t connect on that level. I retreated inward during this phase. Not knowing how to connect without drinking.

But eventually, it got better.

I gained new confidence and let my sense of humor shine unapologetically. Working two bartender jobs definitely helped, not like we were supposed to be drinking at work anyway, but I began to come out of my sober shell and learn how to have a normal conversation while not buzzed. Looking back it seems so sad that I felt weird at all. I had been using alcohol as a sort of alter ego, tapping in to it whenever I needed to be social, funny, outgoing…

I ended up bartending at both places for 7 months while not drinking at all. Going to work each night started to solidify that I was doing the right thing. Just like a crying baby acts as birth control, drunken bafoons reinforce my desire to not be like those people. Drunk is not charming.

You’ve been mislead this entire time.

Drunk is not sexy. Drunk does not mean interesting. And I get it, when you’re buzzed, you’re feeling good, you’re feeling confident, but once your buzz is gone and your hangover wears off, where does that confidence go? You’ve got to drink it in. It’s a superpower in a bottle that’s slowly chipping away at your true ability to be yourself.

By 7 months in, not drinking wasn’t even a thought. It just was. I didn’t crave drinks, but I’d go out. Sipping away at my soda water or virgin cocktail like it ain’t no thing. It felt good to be so close to temptation and not even recognize it. This was building character from the inside out.

I noticed some temptations twanging at my mind around month 8 or 9. I had just moved to Mexico for a yoga teacher training and finished strong after 23 days in the jungle. Tulum is a pretty solid party destination. The festivals here bring thousands of people from far and wide. Once again, the dreaded FOMO was creeping in. After a few weeks of trying not to give a fuck, the cravings were gone again. At this point I became determined to make it an entire year. At no point had I set a time for myself, I always thought I’d give it a few months and see how I felt. Around month 8 when I was tempted to start drinking again, I set my mind to a year. Giving myself this goal got me through all the temptations and cravings for the next few months.

I can’t lie, it hasn’t been a full year without a drop. On the beach in Tulum my friends would order beers and I’d take a sip here and there, reveling in the sweet flavor and chilling bubbles. I do enjoy the flavor. I would recognize how easy it became to have a sip or two, and how I felt like I could just down the whole thing. Drinking is so easy. It’s too easy. And I could feel my brain lighting up like seeing an old friend. This freaked me out, seeing my old patterns hiding under my new lessons. I quit taking sips off of my friend’s drinks after seeing how it sparked up my old self.

Now here I sit, one year and a day without a proper drink. It feels pretty damn good. Should I keep going? Another year? Should I relax a little and set myself a two drink limit when I go out? Only time will tell.

Whatever your drinking preferences are, I pass you no judgement. For me, the past year has been the most influential year of my life and I would do it all over again.

What are your thoughts about alcohol and sobriety? Please feel free to share or comment!

Be well, friends.