*and by sh*t I mean extremely useful, life changing, ground breaking, aha-moment inducing, wonderful & inspiring information about life, love, and the pursuit of happy-mess.
Sh*t I Learned in Therapy
I don’t know why it took me so long to accept help. I thought I was doing fine until some horrible curveballs showed me that I was most certainly not.
Regardless, in 2018 I found myself in the chair of my new professional friend. She always had her Pomeranian, Patience, greet me at the door and her office faintly smelled of sweet flowers from the dispensaries below. Once a week for 6 months I drove myself to her office and learned more about myself than I ever imagined was possible.
After the first few weeks I realized that I was going through so much in each session that I wasn’t retaining all of it. I started taking notes in my phone in the car after each session. Sitting for 10 to 15 minutes purging every catchy phrase, every breakthrough, every aha moment and newly found trigger.
Nobody is on the same exact path. Nobody has loved and lost and cried and laughed and broken the same way as you, but EVERYONE has in ways of their own. My path eventually led me to a therapist, and now here to you. The following are snippets of the notes I took over my 6 month therapy journey. Take from them what you will!
On Relationships…
– You only get treated as well as you treat yourself! (read that again)
– SET BOUNDARIES. Stop enabling. Be strict. Be specific.
– When your partner is arguing, talking, or ranting, zip it and listen. You’ll get your chance to be heard when the time is right.
– Set dealbreakers. Stick to them. What behaviors are unacceptable?
– Your partner needs to be his own rock and you need to be yours. Codependency is not the goal. Break it.
On Boundaries…
– Ask for specific things. (No cheating, no lying, no going behind my back or violating my trust to find things out)
– Set boundaries with yourself. This came from me wanting my partner to open up more and share his feelings/thoughts. The boundary I set with myself was to not pry and instead say something like, “I see that you are upset and it makes me uncomfortable. I realize that if you want to tell me something, you will, and if you don’t, you won’t. I’m not going to pry and always ask you what’s wrong. I will let you come to me.”
– If your partner can’t handle your new boundaries and wants to continue their old habits, let them find someone else who lets that happen. (Boi bye)
On Trust…
– My partner would go through my phone while I was showering, etc to find out if I was talking to other men (which I’ll admit had happened). But he still violated my trust by doing so. So my therapist and I discussed it and she said the following…If he finds something out in a way that violates your trust you don’t have to discuss it. He will try to justify his behavior but it is a violation of your boundaries.
– You have to choose to trust someone. You have to choose to trust that they are committed, honest, etc.
– Can you ever 100% trust someone to not hurt you again? No. But maybe you love them enough to be willing to risk what isn’t guaranteed.
On Cheating…
– Cheating isn’t the issue. Trust is the issue. Cheating is the symptom.
– Sometimes cheating is caused from the brain trying to sabotage something that the person feels they don’t deserve. (I think my therapist just said that to make me feel better)
On the PTSD caused by cheating…
In my situation, I had been cheated on in the past by my partner, and it kept causing problems between us, and it kept resurfacing in negative ways.
– It keeps getting brought up (even though it was in the past) because the lack of trust is an issue in the present. The PTSD and trauma of getting cheated on is present because those trust issues are present.
On Fear…
– I am unable to commit to decisions because I project my fears into the unknown.
– We fear decisions because we want to make the right choice. Truth is there is no wrong or right.
On Stress…
– Stress is autopilot. It’s not being conscious or aware and writing off our actions to stress.
– Stress is a disconnection from the present and a projection of fears. Stressed about work and performing well? Maybe it’s a fear of not being good enough. Fear of not being successful or able to accomplish goals. Stress is deep. 95% lies below the surface. 95% is unconscious.
On Making Decisions…
– Say all possible scenarios of a decision you are looking to make end with the same outcome. Which calls to you most? Do that thing. Take the risk. There is no right or wrong.
On The Self & Self Love…
– External validation is a valid desire. You can have good internal dialogue but outside reinforcement is ok to ask for. Whatever you believe inside yourself is so important, but it’s ok to ask for encouragement! Everyone wants to feel appreciated. Appreciate yourself!
– Remember this is your journey. For you.
– Ask yourself what’s the most loving thing for you?
– You are responsible for your actions. No one else. NO ONE ELSE.
– Where other people trigger emotions in you is an area where you aren’t loving yourself.
– A loving relationship with the self means not needing anything from other people.
– LOVE YOURSELF FIRST. Don’t enable other people by doing things that are unloving to you.
On Emotions…
– Controlling emotions is not really the goal. Being aware and familiar with emotions is a better goal. Understanding them, recognizing them.
– Defensiveness is a reaction or fear of being wrong or not being heard. Being able to set aside your need to be heard because you know you will get that and listening to your partner first is a good sign that you have a positive relationship with yourself.
– Listen to your discomfort. It’s trying to speak to you.
– Hormones are a magnifier to our deep unconscious. Best thing to do is listen. What’s valid and what’s invalid? Sit with the discomfort.
On Change….
– Small growth is better than fast growth because our unconscious can freak out and sabotage with fast changes.
– We are comfortable with familiar behaviors even when we recognize that they are unhealthy. We are afraid of the unknown and do not welcome it.
– Where do you want to be? How does a thought/belief/action help you now and how does it get your closer to where you want to be?
– What is your vision going forward? Where do you want to be emotionally and physically? How are your current thoughts and behaviors helping or hindering?
– Change other by changing yourself. That’s the only way.
On Acceptance…
– You need to accept people for who and what they are. Your parent/friend/partner is the way they are and no one but themselves can change it.
– We are only able to connect with people on the same level that we connect with ourselves.
– Acceptance doesn’t have to mean we like it.
– Can you accept that you have no control over other people and their actions? Getting hurt is not my action but how I respond is.
On Happiness…
– Our demons, fears, sadness, etc are all necessary for the contrast of happiness and joy.
– More on Happy Sad HERE
To Be Continued…
That’s more or less 6 months of therapy notes summed up in a nice little list for you. There was obviously so much more to it and if you are even considering the idea of talking to someone, go! It might just be the best thing you’ve ever done for yourself.
Look at it this way. When we have a foot problem we go to a foot doctor, a heart doctor for heart problems, and so on. So when we feel off (or even if we don’t) why not go to someone who knows a ton about the brain (the most complex thing in our bodies)? Hang up your ego, use that health insurance, and go learn something new about yourself.
Peace, love, and healing,
Madison.
Which of these struck a cord in you? Have you been to therapy? For how long? I’d love to hear what you learned in the comments below!
