What is happy sad exactly? I’m not going to define it because there are no rules or limitations to it. You know exactly what it feels like. You’ve felt it. Maybe you are it. So let’s journey together for a moment and see what we can learn (and unlearn) about our happy sad selves.
Why are we happy sad?
We are constantly surrounded by self inflicted reminders that we aren’t quite enough. Not young enough. Not old enough. Not rich enough. Not talented enough.
This digital age is more to blame than any actual truth to this. Now more than ever, we are presented with life’s highlight reel. Social media showing the best of the best of someone’s life. Not the ugly, uncomfortable bits. Not the real parts, not the parts that show struggle and suffering, not their faces right when they wake up or after a good cry. Essentially it strips away the humanity of it all and only shows the glamor. Like a movie. If you have ever worked on a movie set you will see how they have to cheat the camera, create a totally nonrealistic setup so it can be perceived a certain way on screen.
That’s social media people. We cheat the camera for false perceptions.
Not that this is any secret, but it’s frustrating none the less. But I digress. We’re here to talk about being happy sad. Because no matter how you may portray yourself online or in person, you might still be sad. And that’s ok.
It’s Ok to be Happy Sad.
After experiencing different rounds of depression, trauma, and 6 months in the chair (therapy), I’ve learned a lot about happy sad. I’ve been there more times than I can count. I am the queen of running. Events from my childhood taught me to internalize my emotions, starting a lifelong habit of keeping my world inside, and keeping everyone else out. I still have trouble with this but it is a long, rewarding process to unlearn.
Although my internal woes have produced some beautiful things, like art, poetry, and writings, it has also trapped me. Breaking through and learning to sit with and experience my emotions was something I really started to do at 25.
But alas, here we are. Let’s face happy sad together.
What can we do about happy sad?
In no particular order, I’d like to present to you my self proclaimed methods for breaking through the happy sad. Because let’s face it. Life is hard and our problems may be real, but in the grand scale of it all our problems are small and we should be grateful for our lives.
Let’s start with the basics. Things you can do RIGHT NOW to feel a little better when your world is blue. We’ve got to start with the present moment before we can really dig in to the goods.
So let’s try some things. Make yourself accountable for your happiness.
Step One – Turn off the notifications on your phone. Turn all the push notifications off from your social media apps like RIGHT NOW. If you’d like to stay active on social media, do what you want. But at least use it when YOU want to use it, not every time it wants your attention. Start to ignore it. Eliminate one of the many many distractions throughout your day. Do this with as many apps as you can.
Another option is to use the do not disturb mode or just turn your phone off all together for awhile. If it’s hard to step away from your phone, good. Take note of that. Pull the plug on this constant connection to the electronic sidekick that may or may not be having serious negative effects on your mental health.
Step Two – Take a shower (or bonus round take a bath). Put some drops of eucalyptus or lavender oil in it. Put on some music. Take some time to just feeeeeel the water around you. Close your eyes and come in to the sensations on your skin. Breathe. You’re going to be ok.
Step Three – Put on some nice clothes. Dress up just for yourself. Put on something that makes you feel good. Pick out your color, something that makes your eyes pop or compliments your skin tone or figure. Check yourself out in the mirror. Give yourself a compliment.
Step Four – Write yourself a love note. You don’t have to read it back right away. Just get out a piece of paper and give yourself a little heart to heart. Acknowledge what you might be feeling. Sometimes you just want to be heard, so listen. Write down some of things you love and appreciate about yourself. Don’t write down anything you wish you were or wish you had. This is a love note after all.
Step Five – Go buy yourself something. Not like full retail therapy mode but go and buy something like a new journal or sketchbook. Something that fosters some creativity and writing, something that you can use to purge your feelings in to. Maybe it’s sidewalk chalk, maybe it’s a new necklace with an empowering phrase. Maybe it’s some new crystals or essential oils. New chapstick. Some chocolate. A ticket to see a movie you’ve been thinking about. A new book. Anything, something, just for you. Bring in some new energy. Treat yourself. You deserve it.
Step Six – Remember to eat (well). While you’re out searching for something new for yourself, buy a smoothie. Go get something delicious and healthy and nourishing. Your body’s health and your mind’s health are so directly connected. Remember to eat, and not just filler food, go get the most colorful things you can find. Go to town on the produce section. Look up a new recipe before you go out if you’re feeling inspired enough to cook a whole meal. If not, buy yourself something yummy and healthy. Fuel yourself properly from the inside out. Also HYDRATE. You should be drinking half of your body weight in ouches each day (or about 2-3 Nalgene’s worth)
Step Seven – Avoid alcohol. Just don’t do it. At least for now. You already know this.
Step Eight – WRITE. Maybe you went out and bought a new journal, if not grab an old notebook and write. if you don’t feel like you have anything to write, write about your day. Write about your passions or what you’d like to be when you grow up. Write about your emotions. What are you feeling? What does it physically feel like to be sad/down/blue. Are there sensations coming up in your body? Write. Don’t type it if you can avoid it. Use your hands. Use your body. Let it flow and let it go. See what happens.
Step Nine – Cry. Something that’s all it takes to let the sadness go. For me, it builds up over a month or two or three and I can feel it when it’s ready to spill. You’ve got to let go. If you have trouble with this, watch a sad movie. Listen to a sad song. Let yourself get triggered and cry and cry and don’t stop crying until there is nothing left to cry out. It’s a beautiful thing. It’s ok.
Step Ten – Talk. If you feel like it, or even if you don’t really, call someone. Call a friend, parent, sibling, anyone who you trust. Someone who listens. Isolation can be beautiful, but it can also be a trap. We are all here temporarily, we all have struggles and issues and moments of sadness and total elation. We are going through this human experience together, so don’t be afraid to share. It’s beautiful to connect with people. Force yourself if you have to. But call or invite someone over. Get human to human with someone. Talk. Spill. Or, just be.
Step Eleven – Move. Stretch. Workout. Go for a walk, drive, or bike ride. Move your body. Do yoga. Do SOMETHING. Get outside in nature if possible. Again you know this. I understand that even the most basic tasks are near impossible when you’re really sad. But it’s time to break some bad habits. If you are not consciously making good habits you will unconsciously make bad ones.
Step Twelve – Cleanse. If you’ve been locked up in your room for a few days or weeks, chances are the energy is pretty heavy in there. Like attracts like so it’s important to change up the energy in your lair. It can be as simple as making your bed and opening up some windows. Maybe rearrange some furniture or put up some art that you’ve been neglecting. Light some candles. Burn some sage and smudge your space. Cast some spells (kind of joking) and tell that old energy to get the fuck outta dodge. If you believe it, it’s real. So make some magic happen.
I hope one or all or some of these resonate with you. Small changes can make a powerful impact on how we feel. It’s also important to understand how we process emotions. Everyone does it a little differently, so there’s no wrong way. Sometimes you just have to be sad for a few days. You have to experience it and let it pass. You can’t always rush it along, but you can observe. Then you can start to understand your own process. We are always changing and adapting, so it’s important to keep the relationship with yourself open and flowing.
Let’s Dive In Deeper
Now I’d like to go over a few more things on the happy sad spectrum, the things that lay below the tip of the iceberg. These are some techniques I learned in therapy coupled with my own experiences that will up your accountability for your life and your happiness. It might get ugly, it might get uncomfortable, but such is life.
Stop playing the victim.
Time to play your own devils advocate. Make a list here if you need. List all the things that are contributing to your happy sad. What or who are the reasons you’re feeling blue? Was it an event or conversation or person or something you said or did? Try to get to the bottom of your feelings. What factors made you feel this way?
Now take a step back and look at your list. Let’s take a moment to realize the common denominator here: YOU.
You are the common denominator. As hard as this is to accept sometimes, you are the one at the epicenter of your life’s happenings. You are not the victim of the world, you are not a victim of the things that have happened to you. You are the hero of your own story here. Shitty things may have happened to you. That’s how it goes. But you can’t go around blaming everyone else for how you feel or for what happens to you. You are in your body and mind and you are responsible for how you respond to the world. You have brought in the people, relationships, events, and circumstances that you are currently in. You. YOOOOU.
It’s time to take accountability for your actions, responses, emotions. Other people or things may trigger you, but you need to own your shit. It’s time to take a long hard look at your situation and realize that it is really no one else’s fault.
This is not an overnight process. And sorry not sorry if it sounds harsh. It’s time to wake the fuck up. Let me say it again YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM.
( I realize that children may fall under a different category, but let’s leave the kids out of it for the sake of my argument. Unless you are an innocent child or something of that nature, you are responsible for the shitstorm that is your life. )
With that being said. You are not responsible for the shitstorm that is someone else’s life. Don’t ever let someone tell you that you made them feel a certain way or you’re the reason they are so happy or sad or mad or whatever. Nope. You may be the trigger but they need to own their emotions. It’s their trigger, maybe it’s completely unrelated to you. You cannot control other people’s thoughts, emotions, or actions. So stop blaming yourself for something that is out of your control. And if you have people in your life who are making you feel that way, it may be time to reevaluate that relationship.
This isn’t going to be easy, but I promise it’s worth it. Even parents or siblings. We don’t have to put up with ANYBODY who isn’t good for us. Remember that. Take accountability. Take back control. And for crying out loud you need to take your happiness seriously.
Now that that’s out, let’s have a sit.
It’s time to learn how to sit with, understand, and talk to our emotions.
This method was taught to me in therapy. I’m no licensed therapist, but I can share what I know with hope that it helps. It’s a little strange, but life’s a little strange. So fuck it.
Let’s take an emotion. Sadness, for example, and give it some characteristics. Give it a color, a shape, a form, a space. Give it some characteristics that you can visualize. Is it human? Animal? What size is it? Give it as much detail as you want or can. For me, my sadness looks like a little 5 inch tall version of myself. She looks, talks, and seems just like me, but she’s tiny. She’s got tears in her eyes and looks kind of mopey, sometimes she sitting and sulking, sometimes she’s curled up in a ball crying, sometimes she’s sitting on the edge of the table, kicking her feet around. That’s my sadness.
So once you have your emotion characterized and visualized, bring it in front of you. That’s important here. Bring it face to face, outside of your physical body. Close your eyes if you need to and imagine it outside of you. In front of you.
Now talk to it. It’s ok to feel like a crazy person here but that’s ok. Talk to your sadness/anger/whatever emotion. What do you have to say to it? What do you want it to know? How does it respond? How does it feel? What does it want to say to you?
Full permission to get weird while you do this. Open up. Listen. Observe.
When I first started doing this practice, I’d talk to my sadness like, “hey girl, I see you. I acknowledge that you’re there and that you’re sad. It’s ok. I appreciate you. I’m listening to you. You’ve got my attention right now.” I’d sit and listen and talk to this little version of me. It would continue on, “I hear you, I’m with you, but I also need to carry on and keep charging through. Why don’t you climb in to my shirt pocket and we can carry on together, ok?”
Like seriously it’s a bit mental but it’s also pretty cool to see what comes up. Just try it. I basically gave my sadness permission to be there and have my full attention from time to time, but I, the command center, am running the show. Sadness is there with me, always, but she usually just sits quietly and watches. I can take her out and talk to her when something’s up. She wants to be heard and acknowledged, after all. She gets her moments. Sometimes I need to sit with my sadness for three full days before I feel any better. But we always pick up and carry on together.
The idea with this method is to learn to separate and identify your emotions. Keep practicing and it will get easier to see what emotions come out to play under life’s changing circumstances.
The more we understand our own inner workings, the better we can interpret and experience the world. Our relationship with ourselves is the most important relationship in this life. We have to invest time and energy into ourselves just like any other external relationship. You owe it to yourself. We are human beings with feelings and emotions and energy. Emotions are just energy in motion after all. Feel it. Let it flow through you, and carry on. It’s ok to be happy sad. It’s ok to be right where you are.
I hope this was helpful. I hope you get to know yourself a little better each day. Happy sad is ok, and so are you. Live well my friends.
Madison
PS – If someone you know needs to hear this today – please share. One is enough to make a change. One day. One person. One conversation. That’s all it takes. Cheers.
